With it being the start of a new month, I decided it was a fitting time to sit down and write a bit. It's been months since I have done any proper writing and as hard as I try to encourage myself to get back into it, I've also needed to take some time and take care of myself as well. I'm not going to delve into things too deeply, but I'm also to a point where I feel okay talking a little bit about what's been going on in my world.
Back in the spring, one of my uncles got very sick. And long story made VERY short, we learned that he had a terminal disease and passed away very soon after.
I was lucky enough to have a close relationship with this uncle and have a variety of incredible memories with him. But those memories don't make everything magically all better. Everything happened in a very abrupt fashion and was very jarring for myself and my family. Frankly speaking, I would say that we all experienced varying levels of trauma with the news and the loss.
From the moment I first learned that my uncle was sick and they were trying to figure out what was wrong, I had a terrible feeling. It was almost as though I intuitively knew that something terrible would be happening in a very short amount of time. So for weeks, I had increased anxiety and dread. It sucked away the joy of writing and put me on edge. I found myself falling into a depression while I braced for the inevitable.
And then it happened.
Since I got the call that my uncle was gone, I've been trying to come to terms with it. I've been trying to make peace with it. I've been trying to move forward from it. It's been a few months now, but it still feels like I got that call just yesterday. Things have been a blur and all I've really wanted was to be surrounded by the people that I love.
Since I lost my uncle, the past few months have been a combination of trying to do as many things that I enjoy as possible while also surrounding myself by people that I love. It was a way to find comfort while also staying distracted from having to think or face everything that I was feeling. And most of all, I hid away from writing. A part of processing the big things that happen in my life is done by writing. I didn't want to talk publicly about losing my uncle. I'm still not comfortable diving too deep into it. It's not my story to tell.
While I pulled back from writing and worked to balance my anxiety and depression, I found myself feeling indifferent about writing. I talked with a close friend and explained that I didn't know if I would keep writing anymore. I was somewhat ready to throw in the towel. I knew I wouldn't entirely, but I kind of sat there feeling like, "what's the point?"
I'm grateful for what that friend did next. They reminded me that this has been my passion for my whole life. They reminded me that things were hard right now but to not give up. They encouraged me to keep pressing on and get back to it. While that conversation happened weeks ago, I've continued to think about it until I was ready to sit down and start writing again.
I'm trying to decide what I want to write about next. When I worked on my MK Ultra project, I loved it. But I don't know that everyone else found it as interesting as I did. I got into my head about it a lot and felt that I needed to find what others wanted from me. But I try to continue to remind myself that it shouldn't matter. I write because it makes me happy and it's something I enjoy doing. I don't want to be a puppet and write what others want from me. So I'm trying to find what I want to explore next, find which avenue to go down. I know I'll find it and I know I'll get back into the swing of writing. It may take me a bit of time, but I'm getting there.
So that's how I'm doing and that's where I'm at. Thanks for everyone who has been patient while I take some time away. Hopefully I'll be back to regular posts very soon.